No English Patience?
by Ron Hogan

Technically I am an employee of my college. I am what they loving refer to as a work-study, but I'd like to call it something more like 'slavery for $2000 off your tuition.' To each his own, I suppose. I work for Resident's Life, which means I sit at a desk for 13 hours a week and check in visitors. Here at my college, we have single sex dorms, and in order to get your hump on, you have to sign in at the desk or risk getting written up and publicly ridiculed because of your small penis.

That is what I do every Sunday for twelve hours. I sit, I let people go in to fuck, and I let them back out again. It's boring, it's pointless, and I don't even get time off to eat lunch. I have to depend on my friends and the local delivery pizza joints.

The work is easy. The work is even boring. Normally I have trouble staying awake the whole time.

But not last Sunday.

Last Sunday, I had to call security for the first time while at desk duty because of some immature English Negro who will be called 'Manchowder' because his real name of Mansour is even more of a joke than any fake name I could possibly give him.

It was about 7 in the evening, and myself and two of my friends are eating a pizza. (It was Stuffed Crust Gold from Pizza Hut; it's not my favorite, but they wanted it.) In the room next to the office is a computer lab for use by whoever wants to use it. I am supposed to check people in to use said computer, but since they never gave me a computer lab check-in form, I don't bother with that.

I had brought my roommate's laptop downstairs so I could work on assignments, so in order to make sure everything stayed safe, we locked the door to the lab. I had assumed that if someone wanted to use the computers badly enough, they would come around to the check-in portion of the office (an open window looking out into the lobby) and ask me to let them in.

However, because Manchowder is a sports player, he thinks he's better than the rest of the world, despite being the only black person ever to come from England. Obviously, because I am a work-study, I should be psychic and know when Manchowder wants to look at his email (I say look at because I know he can't read).

We're eating our pizza, and someone knocks lightly at the door of the office. We all look over at Manchowder, and my friend Jaime decides he'll go let him in because Jaime was the one who locked the door in the first place. He puts down his pizza and wipes his hands on a napkin, when all of a sudden Manchowder just starts pounding at the door. I mean literally pounding the thing so hard it was shaking.

We all stare at him like he's retarded. He can see we're eating, there's a little window in the office door and Manchowder's ugly mug is pressed against it like a cast member from OZ looking out the window of Solitary.

Jaime says, loud enough for Chowder to hear, "I'm not going to open the door until you stop pounding on it."

Manchowder pounds harder.

"Fine, be that way," Jaime says as he goes back to his dinner. I am struggling not to laugh, and Jaime's girlfriend just sits there looking dumb, like she usually does.

Manchowder realizes that pounding won't work, so he starts yelling at us. Saying shit like "This isn't right, open the door.", "You're only doing this because I'm black."and "My mother never taught me to be so rude to people, and I guess you're just all ignorant bastards."

Jaime lets him in, finally, and Manchowder just doesn't shut up, so I called security. Because Manchowder is black, I know the sight of a white man with a badge and some pepper spray will calm his ass down quickly. Even though he's from England, everyone has an innate fear of law enforcement, especially the brown-skinned.

Public Safety comes over and interviews the raving Manchowder first. He claims not to have seen us eating, despite the fact the room we're in has windows or glass on all three sides and we're sitting in front of a pizza box with pieces of pizza in our hands. He calls us racists again, complains a little more, and denies calling us ignorant bastards.

Then, Public Safety talks to us and gets the real story. I mean, I don't need to take shit off of anybody, especially Manchowder. Who knows what that guy could've done? All I saw was a screaming, door-punching, 'roid-raging dude outside, and I want to eat the rest of my crappy pizza in peace.

The race card that Manchowder played so quickly is the only weapon of the truly ignorant. Instead of doing the polite thing and going around to the window to ask to be let in, he throws a bitchfit. Instead of waiting for one of us to put down our dinner to let him in, he calls us ignorant. Hell, if he wants me to be an ignorant racist so much, then the next time I'll see him I'll tell him that he's not really black because there's no such thing as an English nigger. Everyone from England is white, even the black people. That should be a racist enough to sate Manchowder's desire to be held down by whitey, shouldn't it?

I mean, I must be the most racist guy on the planet. I've lived with two Japanese guys, a black guy, a Brazilian, a guy who looks like a Hobbit (Hairy feet included) and a guy who never bathed unless he was forced. I'm reeeeaaaally racist, huh?

Hey Manchowder, if you're reading this, I'd like you to know there are black people in my family tree, too. Yeah, I've just been too lazy to cut them down after they were lynched there. Don't worry, when I go home, though, I'll make sure to bring back a cross to burn in front of your dorm room.

You know, so you'll feel at home.

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